Dope Food Spots For The Munchies

When it comes to truly dope - nudge nudge wink wink - late-night eateries without the sad formulaic tiredness of a McDonald's, you’re spoilt for choice in Pretoria. We all know that hunger arises at some strange hours, particularly when it’s sprinkled with herbs, so don’t get caught without a plan when the munchies set in around three in the morning. The venues listed here all cater for night owls and can be divided into three broad categories: the munchies, the serious munchies and truly dik munchies.

For safety’s sake, it’s always best to marry the level of munchies you’re experiencing with proximity. In other words, try to keep it local if you spend the first 20 minutes in your car staring at your feet, wondering what the pedals are for. If you’re more consciously afloat, any of these venues will reward you for the effort of a short drive. All are open well past midnight and all also jovially accommodate people sitting less than perfectly upright while chewing.

Andiccio 24

Let’s start with what must be the most cosmopolitan munchie satisfier — pizza! Taken with or without beer, pizza probably has the best combination of gratifying food attributes —  variety in taste and texture, colour, copious amounts of cheese and a truly satisfying after-effect.

Although individuals will swear by their own favourite pizza spot, Andiccio 24 caters 24/7 for seated or more horizontal customers, and they make an awesome pizza, finish and klaar! Overall Andiccio 24 offers a great variety, fresh ingredients and a visibly fresh, satisfying dough.

If you’re pining for your favourite albeit daytime spot, sprinkling Jellytots on any Andiccio 24 pizza will probably go a long way towards cheering up your not-so-lucid mind. Offering dessert pizza too — c’mon now, what more do you want? — they’re not shy to charge but remain comparable with Debonairs or other top-end pizza places.

You’ll find Andiccio 24 in Hazelwood, corner Dely Road and Pinaster Road, (012) 346 0444. A serious-to-dik establishment, serious munchies can be cured for around R120 for a single pizza, while dik munchies are typically killed at around R250 for a pizza with dessert pizza after. Drinky-winkies of choice are available too.

Kung Fu Cowboy

No, no one over 18 thinks stumbling through a bright, loud casino environment past midnight is fun, not when your thoughts are on the third ring of Venus, but the name is so cool! Apart from that — and if you can somehow turn the public into an amusement while suffering gasping starvation — this is a mega-munchies establishment that deserves frequent patronage from anyone given to herbal relaxation. A fusion house of wonders, you’ll find Western dishes in Asian sauce, sushi, giant burgers and buckets of nachos to wade through while you wait for the main course.

Watch people queuing desperately at the ATMs. Throw bits of food at sobbing gamblers, crumpled in corners. There’s always a fun and vibey atmosphere here, although at least two pieces of clothing are expected on customers at all times.

Find the Kung Fu Cowboy at 209 Aramist Avenue, Menlyn, (021) 003 4041. With some careful scoping of the menu, serious munchies can die for as little as R110, while truly dik munchies generally fade at around R220. It’s fun to hang around for breakfast too, and you can get some charity work in by buying broke gamblers a coffee. Or new pants. Whatever’s needed.

Uncle Faouzi

Well-known among students — some of whom seem to sleep there — this no-frills gem is a Lebanese fusion hotspot. Also offering the unique enjoyment of being able to gum polystyrene utensils when you’re circling Jupiter in preparation for the slingshot trip back home, the food is unashamedly satisfying. Here you can find awesome kebabs and proper shwarmas, not the insipid, half-full kind nor anything too far off what you can find on streets in Beirut. Wraps and burgers are awesome here — made fast and tasty.

Definitely, an accumulative dik munchies venue, eating your way through seven or eight meals over a couple of hours is perfectly acceptable here. While the venue demands that you ignore tacky decor and sometimes dodgy pavement activity, it will satisfy your tum day and night.

Visit your Uncle Faouzi at 1102 Burnett Street, Hatfield, and if you’re lonely you can call him on (012) 342 8888. He moves around, so you can also tag him at 202 Robert Sobukwe Street, Sunnyside, and even on the corner of Helen Joseph and Sisulu Streets in the Sammy Marks gebied. Bulk feeders can stuff themselves for around R60, while those prepared to spend R150 or more should only be hungry again in 2021.

Aandklas

For those more inclined to enjoy munchies in a bar setting and wash it all down with that fizzy yellow stuff, Aandklas is a beer and music venue that will surely satisfy. Although the menu is secondary to the vibe, it’s ample and reasonably priced too.

While it ‘officially’ closes at 02:00, it’s run by people who can’t tell time, bless them, and especially on weekend nights, you’re unlikely to find it closed even in the wee hours. Unlike the Brazen Head and even Beerhouse (previously The Firkin), you can expect this venue to keep rocking until people leave. Of course, its bright lights and loud music deny you a quietly wasted munch, but the food remains worthwhile to sample when you’re in that state.

Aandklas trumpets from 494 Hilda Street and you can reach them on (012) 362 3712. Not for rave bunnies or those who don’t appreciate the subtleties of rock & roll, the great joy here is utterly casual loafing with good pub grub. At least a single item of clothing remains a requisite, however. R100 will brutally dent serious munchies, and spending anything over R200 should feed a sober family of six, or you.

Priva Lounge

Is a touch of class needed to accentuate or diminish your hazy vision late at night? For those of us not yet in the echelon to jet off to another continent to grab a posh meal, Priva Lounge does a fine job of maintaining its bespoke demeanour and stretching its opening hours to accommodate space cadets until late.

The restaurant is genuinely concerned with the quality of the food they prepare and during normal hours this would also be a good place to take Mom. Late at night — if you really must address munchies in a formal restaurant setting and can still coordinate tying shoelaces — this is a great venue to try.

The manager disappoints at times, closing earlier than the listed 02:00 but it can cut the other way at times too. For those who can indeed juggle more than a single memory item at the time, remember to get in there around midnight and you can be the table closing the place down if you like.

Find Priva Lounge at 103 Club Avenue, Waterkloof Heights, (012) 346 4849. There’s live music, outdoor seating with a view, a cigar lounge, you name it. You wanted fine dining ne? Expect to hoes around R250 to kill aggressive munchies, while spending anything over R350 should see you criticised by Unicef for wasteful consumption. The food is excellent.

Cubaña Havana Lounge & Latino Caffe

Although not guaranteed to be open 24/7, Cubaña is a useful venue to invade in the early hours of the morning. You can very easily watch the sunrise, sitting on one of their sofas, but on a slow night they might shut things up around 03:00. Here you’ll find titillations for modest munchies, although the venue is better known for big cigars, violent shots and getting lucky, rather than for its menu.

As the name implies, it’s mainly a lounge full of comfy chairs, as well as endless twits who think cigars make them cool and poppies dolled to the nines, however, early-stage munchies can be capably doused here. For serious or dik munchies, start with nachos, bung in a main course and continue with nachos and vodka shots until you find your level.

Feel free to fall on other customers, but avoid falling on the bouncers, as their attitude can sober people right up sometimes, pleasant enough though they might be when unprovoked. If you go there late to concentrate on food, it helps to wear a T-shirt that says “I’m not here looking to get laid so voetsek!”

There is a Cubaña in Sunnyside at 92 Jeppe St, (012) 341 2973 and one at Menlyn Piazza, on the corner of Lois an Glen Manor avenues, (012) 348 4527. A cover charge is variably applied, but on the menu, R150 will see serious munchies quelled, and spending anything over R300 should see you full until next weekend.