Bookshelves are lined with self-help manuals to help you understand the differences between men and women. We (and by “we”, I am referring to women in particular) discuss this topic over cocktails, we Google it, we analyse it, we get frustrated and even mad at times. It’s a much discussed topic and it is done in all languages and across the entire world.
In all honesty, I will much rather be a girl that dates a guy than vice versa. Guys are simplistic, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-creatures. If they don’t buy you flowers it is because it didn’t even cross their mind. If they stare and say nothing, it is because they are honestly thinking of nothing at all...yes ladies, at that moment his mind is a complete blank...
If you are a woman, this is an impossible idea to grasp. I mean, how is it even possible to not think of anything at all? If I’m not thinking of work, I’m thinking about relationships or what to make for dinner tonight (the most irritating question in the world, if I may add) or what my thighs will look like after another deep fried dinner extravaganza, or about my re-growth or about my period or, or, or...the list is endless. Men are to the point; bullet points to be exact. They don’t do detail. To most men, detail is to amputate a dog’s tail from his body...nothing more and nothing less. There is no fuss, no scene and no drama. Women are not direct nor to the point. Apparently we are the masters of “THE LOADED QUESTION” (If you ask someone a question to get information on something else. This is normally on a sensitive matter; hence the reason that you can’t ask a direct question.) We take things personally, we get insecure and we turn into emotional psychopaths every 28 days or so. And no, it is not funny when we get teary-eyed about you forgetting our birthday or ask if we are on that time of the month. We will rip you apart, clown...take my word for it.
I have always said that men are the fairer sex and I am sticking to it. When you wake up next to a man I will bet my boyfriend’s car (sorry, Love) that he will look exactly the same than when you went to dinner the night before. It’s insanely unfair and it makes me want to hurl, but it’s true. Most girls will never admit that they have mastered the art of the “out of bed” look. That is when you wake up before your man and sneak off to the bathroom to perform your magic. This is how it works (I feel like Judas for letting out the secret) we brush our hair nice and neat and then use our hands to mess it up again...but just a bit. We apply a tad of foundation and just enough blush so it appears that we have rosy cheeks to create the illusion that we are well rested and as fresh as a daisy to please you in any way we can. The next important step is to eliminate morning breath without it being too obvious; so you don’t brush but instead you apply a teeny bit of toothpaste to your finger and you swiftly finger-brush your teeth. The last and most important step is to dab a little bit of non-sticky lip gloss to our luscious lips. Viola! And now we are ready to “wake-up” next to our gorgeous men. I would like to bring it to your attention that this ritual is performed for JUST WAKING UP! Imagine how much effort goes into getting ready for a night out. I’ve just realised why men prefer girls who don’t wear a whole lot of make-up. I always thought they just fancied the natural look, but now I know that they want to play it safe and ensure that the girl they fall in love with at night, will still be the pretty, flawless girl they wake up to in the morning.
This brings me to my last but most important point. Ask any women and she will tell you that it takes massive amounts of money to look beautiful. I’m sure that some men may argue that we do this entirely for ourselves, but I beg to differ. Men are visual beings and women know this. That’s why pretty girls with plunging necklines don’t pay for drinks all night (SUCKERS!!). Of course we want to look good and feel confident for our own benefit. But we also want to make sure that you buy us, your girlfriend, drinks instead of Paris Jolie at the bar counter. For this reason, my girlfriends and I have come up with a plan that will change your life forever. I think it is only fair that we get paid a monthly allowance by our boyfriends/husbands to enable us to look our best for them. With our allowance, we will join the gym and get a personal trainer (and promise not to fall in love with him) who will help us commit to a gruelling workout which will leave us with a tight belly and bum for your visual enjoyment. Our allowance will enable us to highlight our hair more often thus eliminating the two-tone hairdo that creeps in between visits to the hair salon. Your investment will buy you goodies at La Senza and if we have managed to spend our money wisely and we have a surplus that month, we might even get you tickets to the final of the Super 15. I have shared this plan with my male friends and for some reason they didn’t take too well to it. Weird.
I do realise that it is no easy feat dating us women but I’m also pretty sure that most of the days we aren’t too bad sharing your personal space with. Especially when you return home from a hard day’s work and your missus has whipped up a mouth-watering hot meal for you to enjoy. Or when we actually manage not to speak when your mind is a complete blank, allowing you to enjoy the silence. And when every now and again, we are dressed and ready to go within 10 minutes without asking you “do I look fat in this?”
I will only say this once and then I will deny saying it (this article will self-destruct in 10 seconds): I am really, really glad that I am a woman and that I get to date a guy who is emotionally stable for more than 28 days at a time. No mess, no fuss. Thank you for putting up with our nonsense and for letting us think that there are times when we are also right (even though it is common knowledge that men make no mistakes... EVER!)